Sixteen years ago (to the day), I woke up with a monster of a hangover. Well, it was a hangover if you can have a hangover when you’re still drunk… To save my life, I couldn’t tell you how much I had to drink the night before. Probably close to 24 bottles of ale, chased down with half a quart of Jameson. I might have cleaned up the rum that was in a nearly-full fifth… Was there some tequila? I’m afraid it is all a fog.
You get the idea. The liquor cabinet was empty. And, sadly, I wasn’t nearly as drunk as most people would have been after a binge like that, even the heavy-hitters. Even more sad, that binge was not an uncommon event most nights. Well… this particular level of binging was one for the record books, even for me.
But binging my booze had become a near-daily event.
Self-medication, folks — Doctor Michael’s prescribed cure for depression and chronic pain.
It had to stop. That’s all I knew.
I hated myself even more as an alcoholic than if I hadn’t been one.
Like most alcoholics, I had quit so many times that the joke was that I would celebrate my newfound sobriety with a beer. I was always going to dry up. Tomorrow. Next week. After the holidays.
This time I had outdone myself, however. And I knew it was time. The next time was probably going to kill me.
And I did everything wrong, they way they tell you NOT to go sober. I could have killed myself going cold turkey like I did, with the DTs. And gods almighty, I had the DTs. For a month straight. Don’t cold turkey it — it can literally kill you.
I thought I was dying most days. I might have been dying, for all I know. But I was determined and everyone who if familiar with my stubborn side will tell you that I could school stones in how to be stubborn.
I also did not twelve-step it. I had zero community to support me. My sobriety was all Zen and Tao. Meditation until my back hurt and then more meditation.
Advice? Find a community if you’re an alky. Don’t solo it. It is not easy. There are plenty of sobriety groups out there outside the 12-Step program, if 12-Step is not to your liking. In hindsight, I should have gone and hung out at the Minneapolis Zen Center instead of sitting in a darkened room with the DT shakes and bellyaches and occasional bouts of the shits. Not to mention the bouts of self-loathing.
And while I don’t crave booze the way I used to, I know I’m still just an alcoholic waiting for the time that I can crack a bottle of Jameson or sip a pint of Guinness. My mind thinks I’m buzzing when I sip a non-alcoholic brew, and I get “drunk”. It would take 20 cans of NA to equate to a single beer’s alcohol content, so it is all in my brain chemistry based on the memory of being drunk. I don’t drink NA anymore — I can’t convince my brain that it really doesn’t want the real deal.
So I just avoid it completely.
Sixteen years of sobriety.
If you would have asked me that morning long ago if I thought I could last sixteen years, I would have laughed at you. Now, I’m just as surprised at the idea as I would have been back then.
20 responses to “sixteen”
Aside from the obvious congratulations on your sobriety, it’s good to see that you can relate honestly your process. I’ve not been in your shoes but I can understand that stubborn side which drove you to go cold turkey.
Glad you made it!
Thank you, Chris.
I’ve found that if I am blunt, frank and open about my sobriety that I am less inclined to be tempted to think of myself as “cured”. Being “cured” is a small step away from thinking I can have “just one or two”. So I remind myself that I am a drunk on a regular basis and try not to be preachy about it. I surely hope someone tells me to shut the f up if I ever sound holier-than-thou.
When I dig in, I can be a pain in the ass. 🤣
Sounds like a good strategy.
Well done. Sometimes stubbornness (I can relate 110%) can be a positive attribute.
Thank you, Sandy. 💕
These are some of my very favorite blog posts to read. It makes me happy: sobriety. That you can be straight up honest about your journey (so far) makes it even better. Here’s to another sixteen years: Hugs! 😄
Thanks Tara 💕
I’ll take those hugs and give you some of my own. ❤️
Glad that you made it this far; being stubborn can have its uses. If posting so honestly about the painful process helps keep you going for the next sixteen then post away, I’ll always read and congratulate you, my friend. 🙂
Thank you. My stubbornness can be be a pain, but in this case it seems to have helped. Luckily, it rarely is triggered anymore.
In a small way, I post this slice of life material to let people who are experiencing something similar that alcoholism is something that can be overcome, even if it doesn’t seem like it when you are well into your cups. If Michael can do it, you can too.
Thanks for reading and your support. 💕
I’m honoured to do so. 🙂
The most important promises are the ones you make to yourself in the dark. They’re ugly, desperate, sometimes whispered through tears, but when you keep them, they turn into the strongest part of you.
Thank you for sharing that. That’s raw, real, and powerful as hell…..
Thank you, Mae. 💙
Holy Crap, Michael, that’s a lot of booze. And the DT’s? Holy fuck. Yes, you were dying.
And I get it. I could have a cigarette this morning and I’d be back to a pack a day by tonight.
I’m glad you made it. Heartfelt congratulations.
I was an “extreme sports” drunk. I took pride in drinking the frat boys and other challengers under the table. They ALWAYS lost their bet against me, and pitchers were purchased by the losing side. Lots of free beer.
To say I had issues is an understatement.
It takes stubbornness and a little cussedness to get away from that.
Smokes? I am still wobbly on.
Your stubborn streak may have saved you! Must have been so difficult to drastically change your life. You did it! You survived a most difficult month and sixteen years later your story may help others. 💝
It definitely kept me alive. I’d be dead now if I hadn’t stopped.
If my story helps someone, I’m glad to have shared it.
Thanks Michele 💕
Glad you made that choice and that you’re here to share your art with the world. ✨ 💕
Bravo to you Michael! 🙌🏽
Thank you Cindy 💕
You’re so welcome! 😉