I have lost my mojo.
It started about the time I quit smoking, so I always joke that if you gave me a cig, I’d talk your ear [edit: that should be “your shirt”] off while attempting to sell you your own shirt back to you. Or: I blame it on the lack of a smoke, anyway. Either way, it feels like something about smoking made it easier to talk to people.
My other jest: if you put me in front of a microphone and expect me to give a presentation, hand me a guitar as well and I’ll knock it out of the park. It’s more lie than reality, but I could probably give better presentations with a guitar in hand.
Now I fumble over the simplest chatter.
Was it that cigarette? Or was it just having a prop in my hands? A drag on the cigarette as a visual semicolon, gathering my next words before speaking with dramatic tension built up before the exhale and finishing my thought?
Or was it something that helped me focus? I’ll admit my mind is a restless thing, that smalltalk tends to make it wander. I’ve not made it a secret that I’m impatient with extended smalltalk. Was smoking what made it easier to keep my mind on track for social niceties?
Perhaps I should try holding a pen when I go to social gatherings. A toothpick? A fidget toy in my pocket — only someone is apt to notice the movement and think you are diddling yourself…
If I could only manage to avoid putting my foot in my mouth for an hour and then never managing to extract it, but just switch the position as I blush more an more with it sitting there for all to see. Ha ha ha. Ugh.
I’m still one-day-at-a-time with the smokes after well over a decade. I might be an alcoholic still, but I rarely think about finding a drink after roughly the same amount of time. It’s all: Smoke smoke smoke, how can I justify a smoke?
Maybe that’s all this really is, if I’m honest with myself. An excuse looking for a problem.
Maybe all I really need is some more practice being social. Shudder.
Maybe not.
But, man, I do miss that little extra bit of income from selling shirts.
13 responses to “Speechless in Purgatory”
Haha. Last line is a doozy. Hold the hanger.
I need props to spitball properly. Scarier the better. I’d recommend a human skull. Everyone thinks your about to do Hamlet but really there’s not a lot you can’t say with a skull in your hand
Ooo! Or on a staff-sized stick.
I imagine shrunken heads work well too.
Shrunken heads can be insensitive. Just ask the museum in Oxford. But a big stick. Now you’re talking
There is that…
If I got a big stick carved and painted to look like a skull, then I can grow out my beard and do my best Gandalf impression and everyone will have to listen to the old, wizened bearded guy in a robe.
Right before then send in the guys with the white jackets.
I’d still rather go the Beetlejuice Bob route…
Don’t we all hide behind a prop of some kind as we act out our little scenes in front of others? But who are we fooling? And who buys the act anyway?
Oh, and where’s my nice, white shirt? You know, the short sleeved one with embroidered roses down the left hand side?
True. I’m wondering if we should bother.
Except that if you attempt to be earnest, everyone’s is convinced that the earnestness is a prop in off itself and that you’re hiding behind some grand secret.
It’s absurd.
You make a valid point. It’s a fine line and, at times, you feel like only you get what you’re on about. Perhaps that’s the point – just doing things for yourself? And then something you do seems to connect with someone else. I don’t know. I just end up getting more confused!
Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I shouldn’t expect much earnestness in return and that the true reward for me is the act of being earnest.
But now I’ve delved into the realm of Oscar Wilde and might end up going on about the Importance of Being Earnest.
I’ll stop.
👍
It could be all those things rolled into one. I must admit I think about smoking too, because it gave me something to do with my hands, with my nervous energy. I didn’t even do it very long, only in college, but all these years later I still think nothing else made me more relaxed. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, if we could make an actually healthy cigarette….we could retire right this moment.
For sure. I wish I was smart enough to do something that would help people lose weight or cure depression. Better yet, cure cancer.
Me too.